Husband
Posted on: October 10, 2008
Unmoved
Posted on: October 8, 2008
Pardon
Posted on: October 4, 2008
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Recant Could I the words I said
Affront thy heart,
Disgrace thy pride
To flee my life i long thou to do
Then why I seek, memoir of you
A ruse of rudeness elude the truth
And coax myself, denied my joy
If thy will leave, exude my gates
And filth the passion I betrayed
Thou art confused of my grimace
thy look dismount the mask I wear
In thy presence, I embroil
To sneer I do, to hide defeat
Condone my pride that betrayed my joy
Even if fatuity this you call
Cede not now, I ask of you
A glance of thee, my hope enfolds
But if to lull is what you want
Need I await with dreary soul?
Need I enshroud to hope thou will stay?
Or fate will judge what time prepares?
Discreet is what mislead my signs
Like silence speakes of reasons unknown
Maybe for long thou choose to concede
Regrets I place in hearse to grave
To Mr. Moon
Posted on: October 4, 2008
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Crescent Moon hiding behind the King of the highlands
Your soldiers behold thy command to glory
do you see the land of the nomads?
Do you hear the whispers of the wind?
Heed the warning, bestow your blessings
Kiss the princess goodnight
Tomorrow the Earth will be greeted
By your husband’s blinding light
The day will start and the night will come
Still, have not you seen my heart?
Ask your soldiers to seek the night
for weary hearts and dreams of love
But for now
I’ll visit wonderland
A Decision
Posted on: September 20, 2008
Shame this feeling that’s eating me right now.
Just one decision can change my life and my baby’s life forever. I look up to that great force I know and pray hard that He guides me to whatever decision I make.
Studying here with my parents would mean a big sacrifice- not being with my son’s dad. Although I know that it’s going to be easy for me to earn money someday I really am not sure if the family I want my son to have will still be given to him. Imagine, it’s gonna be just two years of studying and I’m going to be a nurse in a good hospital, earn a good amount of money I know I can’t earn at the Philippines.
Yeah. Money and Emotional security that is what this decision stuff is all about. I would have a good job and good income if ever I choose to continue studying here but then I don’t know if my son would grow up having his dad with him. If ever I took FUj (my son’s dad) here with us after graduation I dont know if he would be able to work, thus depriving him of his career opportunity, add the possibility that I will be a bread winner.
I don’t want to repeat the hisotory of my mom and dad. My mom works abroad and my dad is unemployed. They sacrificed being with us (their children) as we grew up.
I want my son to have a whole and happy family up untill the time that he decides to leave us. I want to be a successful career woman but then it does not mean that I have to be the bread winner of the family. I’m not saying that I will not help my husband with the financial burden, of course I will, but then we should be together in providing the needs of the family.
Life is a lot harder in the Philippines. I know that. I knew people who graduated but are unemployed. People who are employed but are earning a small amount, scarce, I could say because it is not enough to provide the needs of the family. However, going back home will mean I could continue the course I already have started. I could graduate in the same amount of time and me, Fuj and my baby could be together.
On the other hand, it will be alot of sacrifice in my part because I will stay under the roof of my in’laws house. Hehe. Yeah. In-laws. And it is usually hard to be in that kind of situation not unless you have great patience and both parties are comfortable with each other.
Going home means getting married. I have trust issues with Fuji right now. I don’t know how this relationship will go on if I won’t be able to resolve this trust issues I have and fully trust him. I am also thinking that we are both too young to marry. The responsibility of having a family is a big burden for young people like us. I’m thinking that maybe we should give ourselves time to grow for awhile before deciding about getting married. Married life is different from the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, we all know that. Having a family could be another challenge we have to face… another adjustment. But then, mom wont make me go home if Fuj won’t marry me. I wanna be with Fuj.. and yes, if there is one guy I wanted to share a life time with, it is Fuj. But then, I want to grow emotionally first before talking about wedding bells.
Jeez… maybe sometimes it is not just about the matters of the heart that we should think about. We may be head over heels inlove with each other but then the fact still remains that there are marriages that fail. I talked to him about it and he has a strong faith in our relationship. He told me that we could make the marriage work because we should not be like the people whose marriages end up in annulment or divorce.
Right now, my decision is to go home. Get married. Continue my studies. Graduate and finally have a job. Five years from now, I want to see myself already employed in a reputable university working as a professor while studying law or masters degree in communication. If not that, I want to work in an airlines or a network. Call me idealist but that is what I want to be five years from now. That is my goal.
I dont want to be a nurse and work in the hospital forever because 13 years from now my goal is to start my own business so I will be the boss of my own company and I could take care of my son, which by that time will be in his youth. Maybe I am a dreamer but then that is what I want my life to be. I want to see my son get excited in his first date. I want to see his reaction in his first kiss. I want to see and guide him in his teenage days- the days I have not spend with my parents because they need to work afar just to provide our needs.
If life will be financially difficult for my family, I still want us to be whole. One. One in solving the financial problem- like the Fuj’s family. If ever Fuj or me decided to work abroad, I want the whole family to be in that place as well. That is the same of what Fuj wants to happen.
Life is never easy. Because if it is, we will never learn and enjoy it. It is only how we deal with the situation that matters. If there is one sacrifice I have to make, I want to make it now so that someday if something goes wrong, I can still make a change because I am still young. I will go home. Take the chances and pay the consequences of being a young mom and wifey. I believe that getting married and having a baby at a young age is not a reason for me to stop exploring life and taking opportunities. Its not that I should be locked up in the shell of marriage and being a mom, it is just including my husband and kiddo in my plans and being with them as I enjoy the sweetness and bitterness of life.
A Night of Love
Posted on: September 18, 2008
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A Night of Love
In his words lies temptation
A sweet taste of heaven
In his arms is your resurrection
But the gaiety cackle of death
In his bed, the fulfilment of hunger
A night of warmth they say
When with him sanity deserts you
While you give he took with greed
In the morning you feel the cold
The knight, where is he?
His scent is what he left you
But a stranger still he is
Anything Goes
Posted on: September 18, 2008
I just made this wordpress account hoping that I will be able to update it as frequently as I can. It’s not that I don’t have a blog, because actually I have one in our friendster account (whoops! it’s not “I” cause the account is my family’s joint account), it’s just that I want a new one- fresh and my own.
I copied and pasted here the previous posts I have in friendster just so this blog won’t be as empty as new. Right now, I’m trying to write anything that goes inside my head so I can post something new.
Hmmm… so what more can I say?
Let me start with telling you about yesterday. My son’s 6th week was yesterday. It was not a happy day and neither a worth celebrating one. Why? Well, first, his dadda was not around so happiness is not complete when the family is not. Second, friends are not around to celebrate the occassion with.
So to celebrate the day without actually celebrating it (well, I hope you get what I mean with this crappy phrase), we went to the hospital to have my baby’s first 4 immunizations. When I said immunizations I mean 3 injections and 1 taken orally. Yeah, you read it right. It’s 3, as in T-H-R-E-E. Now maybe youre thinking “why would one celebrate in a painful manner?”.
Actually it’s not that we wanted to have it that way, but then, we are obliged to do so. Baby should be brought to the hospital for his immunization whether we like it or not.
During the immunization process I felt like there were butterflies in my stomach. Just looking at a needle as it pricked my son’s flesh made me wish I could take the immunization for him. I wonder if my parents felt the same way when I was a baby. I can’t bare to look at my son’s face which turned tomato red because of crying.
I also had my 6th week check up yesterday and was frustrated that I only lost 6lbs after 3 weeks of strict diet. From 157lbs last August 20, I now weigh 151lbs. I still have a long way to go before achieving my goal to weigh 112lbs.
After the check up we went home and it took me 3 hours before getting my son to sleep. He may be feeling lethargic because of the pain caused by the injections, but he was not lethargic enough not to cry his heart out loud.
I also havent had much sleep because I have to wake up everytime he cried of pain and hunger which I estimated was every one and a half hour.
Because of lack of sleep, we slept the whole afternoon today but I still feel tired since he kept on whining. Whoah! Maybe this is really a mother’s fate- to get tired and exhausted with taking care of her child. But then I feel happy, relieved and fulfilled just by seeing myself do this job with patience and love.
Intrepid
Posted on: September 17, 2008
I look at the little person beside me and I can’t believe that he’s mine. He is a fruit of a “sinful act” as what Christians will say, a result of irresponsibility as what parents and adults will take into notion. I wouldn’t want to hear more of how people would call it because as I glance at the small bundle of joy I can only see one thing out of him- our angel, the one who changed my life forever.
I do not regret that I had him as early in my 19th year of breathing in this difficult world. He came in an unexpected time, a time when I have my future plans laid out in front of me. A time when I am still enjoying the sweet taste of youth and the excitement of young love. But then, I embraced the first signs of his presence inside me and faced the fact that from then on, my plans in life will change forever, not for the worst but for the better.
I fear, of course, how I will raise him up with me not yet ready to stand in my two feet. However, I am a small creature who looks up into a bigger force I know will not forsake me. I gathered all the courage I have and told myself that despite the reality that the news of the arrival of this angel will hurt the people who brought me into this world, he will soon be called a “blessing” that will give everyone a smile.
Perhaps I made a mistake but there is nothing I can do to undo it. The only thing I can do is help myself go on and reconstruct my plans in life- include him in every scene I foresee in my future. I never considered not giving this little person a chance to witness the beauty of life and taste a little of its sourness.
In his arrival, I suffered the consequence of the “sinful” act I made. I had one foot in the bosom of death and had my body embraced by the chill of pain. After 5 hours of what I thought was endless struggle, our angel breathed his first taste of life and I experienced the most wonderful kind of joy I never have felt ever before.
I admit that fear still haunts me and that I still dread that I will someday fail my son. However, just looking at his innocent face gives me strength and courage that life will be easy as long as I have my courage and perseverance with me.
Life has a lot more of hardships to offer and I can do nothing but to accept it and learn from it. Right now I accepted the hard but wonderful challenge life threw on me and I have a lifetime to work on it.
Linger
Posted on: September 17, 2008
I’m staring at the blank sheet in my Microsoft word. I really don’t know what to write. Or maybe I have long forgotten how to do so. I keep studying myself for the past few months since the big challenge of my life begun. I found out that it became difficult for me to say even a three-line-self- composed poem. I have thoughts running in my head and it seems to be like flowing water in my hands- a free flowing idea my mind can no longer grip and put into words.
I wonder if I could still write a good composition. Perhaps something about life. Yes, the life I have now- the play I am currently into and the role which I thought I will never be given to me and here I am portraying.
I do not know if my mind is deteriorating because of the lack of its usage. But then, maybe it is just in its idle condition, you know, a time when the brain becomes stagnant because of too many emotional dilemmas or perhaps because it just does not want to work for awhile.
However, maybe I am not really trying to think at all. I believe that writing is a skill you should continuously use in order to improve. Its advancement depends on how frequent you practice it. You fuel it by enriching you vocabulary, and this you do by continues reading- broadening your comprehension and stimulating your imagination to work.
Damn, I say. I have read only 3 books this year. Though I did a little bit of scanning with a few magazines, I can still say I haven’t done a good job in working to improve my skills. Maybe I have become a worthless kind of homo sapiens who was affected too much of the changes in my life that I put off my once self as a writer- one who could put meaningless thoughts into a good composition and even turn my own emotional turmoil into something that, although not that furnished as other writings are, is not a piece of crap.
If I continue being like this for the rest of my life my mind would go back to what it was 19 years ago- a tabularasa. So, here I am trying to jot down anything that fills the pages in my head. It sounds crazy (it is indeed crazy!) but writing without even thinking of what to write makes me feel like I am slowly gaining back my skill. After all, there’s no harm in giving in to your thoughts and letting it lead you into making something productive out of your boring time.
Well, at least now I know that writing did not totally desert me.
Pens and Lollipops 
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