Pens and Lollipops

Husband

chellypoof — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:39:57 +0000

He turns around and reaches for the door knob. He will leave this tension filled room without a word.

”I’m sorry,” he hears her say. “It just happened. I tried to control it but it happened,” she continues.

“What does she want to hear from me?” he can hear the voice inside him say. He is full of dejection now that he can’t even utter a single word. No, not dejection. Anger, perhaps. Even hatred.

“I understand,” he eventually says after a few minutes of silence. Then, he turns the door knob and left her with her guilt.

Now, he is in the study. Alone in this cold December night. Thinking.

Thinking of what went wrong. Asking himself what he did to deserve all the pain she stacks in him right now. It has been three years- three years of struggling hard to make this sacred commitment work. Sacred? Define it. It’s not even sacred anymore for everything they do doesn’t make them happy anymore.

He remembers that day when they made that solemn vow to share the lifetime together. The memory was so vivid he could almost see the scene right now ”in sickness and in health… for richer or poorer… till death do us part”

“Damn, a lifetime,” he says as he lights a brown chocolate flavored Montecristo. He would rather smoke his lungs to death than to feel more of this agony, he thinks.

She’s the most prettiest woman he had ever met. She is the most loveliest wife ever alive for him. He adored her and did everything to please her.

For three years he made her his life. He worked hard for this family. He almost got himself no friends at all for he believed it was only her he could live with.

Hell, when was the last time he ever went out with his group?

”Three years back…” he says talking to himself. “a week before the wedding at the bachelor’s shower party.”

He would wake up earlier than she would so he could prepare her breakfast. He would kiss her every morning before they part for they go to work in a different company. She would not respond to his kisses. She would not hug him back. He would wash her laundry since he would not want her candle like fingers to feel the strong residues of laundy soap. He takes her to dinner even and gives her his earnings even if a hundred bucks is what would be left in his old wallet. He buys her dresses- the most expensive ones while he wears his faded blue jeans and worn out boots. He was selfless. Why?

“Because I did not see this comming,” he tells himself. “I didnt see the signs,” he says. He did not expect this things to happen not until awhile ago.

“I fell out of love with you and I don’t know why,” he could still hear her words reverberating in his ears. “I found someone who could make me happier”

“What now?,” he asked himself. “Set her free,” he could hear his thoughts answer his own queries. He could live a life without her. ”Jeez,” he thinks, he is the Chief Executive Officer of the most reputable company in the advertising business. He is smart, damn, he is aware of that. He could walk in his ragged blue jeans, black polo shirt and a pair of snickers and yet he could have a muse in his house without playing his words to get through her.

“I could live without you, bitch!” he hears a small voice inside him say. “I can have a new life as soon as you exude my gates.”

She is whore. A useless piece of shit who does not know what it means to be a wife and a mom.

It hit him. His own thoughts hit him.

“Daddy… what are you doing?” He hears his three year old daughter as she enters the room. He tilts his head to hide the stream of pearls in his eyes.

”Nothing,” he replies as he deposits his tobacco butt in a porcelain ashtray. “just thinking”

“What are you thinking?” his daughter asks as she climbs in his lap and strokes the strands of hair that blocks his eyes. “Are you crying?” she inquires.

“No. I am thinking how wonderful you are,” he tickles her. “I have had a long day and I miss you that’s why I’m teary eyed,” he lied.

“I’m wonderful because I’m as pretty as mommy,” she giggles. “You love me and mommy, don’t you daddy?

He gives a nod for a reply.

”That’s why you miss us even if it’s just been a day without me?” his little angel says and she gives him a peck in his stubbled cheeks.

He tries to suppress a sob from escaping his throat. Oh, how innocent is this little angel they have, he thinks. “Of course,” he manages to reply.

“Good. Because my classmate’s parents aren’t like you and mommy”

“Why did you say so?” he is puzzled.

“Because according to her, her mommy and daddy shouts at each other every morning and before bedtime” she explains.

He carries her and puts her in her feet before he says “That won’t happen darling. You will never see us fight like that.” he assures her. No, he says. He will never let her child suffer what he is feeling right now.

“I wanna be like mommy when I grew up,” her little voice makes him want to cry “She’s pretty and smart and she loves you and me, right daddy?”

“Yes.” he chokes back his tears. She will understand everything someday, he thinks.

”Why don’t you go upstairs to your room, prepare for bed as you wait for me to read you your fairytale book?” he requests.

“Okey daddy,” she kisses his cheeks and walks out of the study.

His gaze follows her pink dress until it disappers. He will set his wife free, he thought. But he will wait… wait for her to realize how precious this family is. He felt his shoulders shiver as he let out a sob. He is angry and yet he knew deep inside there is still love.

It was a cold December night. He wonders how long it will be cold like this. Weeks? Months? Years?

It doesn’t matter. His daughter will warm the coldness he feels inside.

Unmoved

chellypoof — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:09:22 +0000

Echo in the four corners of the intellectual edifice

The teacher reads a three line verse of a fusty poetry

They, the young minds follow

word by word they read

Some with eagerness

Some with floating interest

Some with bewilderness

Depicted is a story

the heroin and the knight

in search for parted souls and broken vows

the time soon passed away

The teacher teary eyed

the love prose was made

by a broken heart

Pardon

chellypoof — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 14:09:33 +0000

Recant Could I the words I said
Affront thy heart,
Disgrace thy pride
To flee my life i long thou to do
Then why I seek, memoir of you

A ruse of rudeness elude the truth
And coax myself, denied my joy
If thy will leave, exude my gates
And filth the passion I betrayed

Thou art confused of my grimace
thy look dismount the mask I wear
In thy presence, I embroil
To sneer I do, to hide defeat

Condone my pride that betrayed my joy
Even if fatuity this you call
Cede not now, I ask of you
A glance of thee, my hope enfolds

But if to lull is what you want
Need I await with dreary soul?
Need I enshroud to hope thou will stay?
Or fate will judge what time prepares?

Discreet is what mislead my signs
Like silence speakes of reasons unknown
Maybe for long thou choose to concede
Regrets I place in hearse to grave

Unknown Regrets

chellypoof — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 14:07:50 +0000

He said he loves her so much. Promised her he’ll be there during her happy days or even in her sad days. He held her hand. Kissed it. Placed it in his chest with his hand over hers.He showed her the ring.

She smiled. He told her the same words 3 years ago. After a month of knowing him But she never believed him. Why would she? He is known in town to be a player. Someone who passes in your life, get what he wants and leave you empty handed. She met him somewhere. His name is Mike. She can’t remember where or even how. Maybe at a friends party, at a bar or at a wedding. She doesn’t care to remember.

All she knows is that he came along in a time where she struggles in the stages of moving on.There was a time he asked for her heart. Something she can never offer to him. She is a dreamer, someone who has a lot of plans in life. To have another heart break is the last thing in her mind.

It would destroy her focus in life, she thought.She gave him friendship. The most special thing she could offer for awhile.

She gave him trust. Something she could give because he is a friend. She resisted falling for him. It would mean risking her emotions again if he failed to stay in her life.Why? Because she had loved twice. Was hurt twice. Tried to struggle in the healing process, twice. It would be difficult to experience such a risk for the third time.They have been friends for 3 years now.

She works in an advertising firm. He is a lawyer. They see each other often. She never had a lover again after her last heart break. He, on the other hand courted other girls. Got involved with a lot more of girls. Made himself a topic in the town for several times more.She’ll call him whenever she feels alone. He is the first person she talks to, about her job promotion.

She spends several nights in a picnic with him. Just talking. Smiling. Playing guitar and singing. Looking at the starry night. He tells her his problems when it comes to his relationships. He said he loved his girlfriend but after a year or less, she’ll find him with another girl. She gives him advice.

He listens.He treats her the same way she treats him. Casual. Friends.Its been 3 years of suffering from many sleepless nights now. 3 years of betraying her heart.She hugged him tight. Wished him luck. He had been a wonderful friend.Tomorrow is his wedding. Four months to go and he’ll have a baby.If she only gave in to her feelings…. If she only trusted her heart to him…

Would the scene be this way, tonight?

She learned to love him.

It happened, no matter how hard she resisted the feeling. But she never tried to show it. She is afraid of being hurt. But now, the pain seems much stronger… unbearable..He put the ring in his pocket. “I have to marry her”, he said…”So, I could give the child a name.”, he continued.He hugged her.

They bid each other goodbye.

The clock says its 11:39 pm. 39 minutes after he left her. 39 minutes of recalling the happy days since she met him.20 mins. Her cellphone beeped. Beeped. Beeped. Beeped. She didn’t bother to look at the messages for she knew it was from him. It would only hurt her. It will make letting go much harder for her. She turned off her cellphone and placed it in her drawer.His mom came to visit her the next day.

After minutes of cuddling in each others arms, crying, his mom left. Leaving her helpless. Weak. Hurt.Now is the 3rd day after his burial. Car accident at 12 midnight.

The night after he talked to her.She can’t believe he broke his promise. He said he’ll be there for her.Now, he is nothing but a happy memory that makes her ache of grief.She remembered. Took her cellphone out from the drawer. Turned it on.

It says 30 messages.

What could crying do now?

30 messages.–I loved you ever since. It’s your face I saw the when I made love to her. If you could only tell me that you feel the same, its not too late to cancel the wedding. –Mike:11:59 pm.. The message read.

To Mr. Moon

chellypoof — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 14:05:28 +0000

Crescent Moon hiding behind the King of the highlands
Your soldiers behold thy command to glory
do you see the land of the nomads?
Do you hear the whispers of the wind?
Heed the warning, bestow your blessings
Kiss the princess goodnight
Tomorrow the Earth will be greeted
By your husband’s blinding light
The day will start and the night will come
Still, have not you seen my heart?
Ask your soldiers to seek the night
for weary hearts and dreams of love
But for now
I’ll visit wonderland

A Decision

chellypoof — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 02:57:10 +0000

Shame this feeling that’s eating me right now.

Just one decision can change my life and my baby’s life forever. I look up to that great force I know and pray hard that He guides me to whatever decision I make.

Studying here with my parents would mean a big sacrifice- not being with my son’s dad. Although I know that it’s going to be easy for me to earn money someday I really am not sure if the family I want my son to have will still be given to him. Imagine, it’s gonna be just two years of studying and I’m going to be a nurse in a good hospital, earn a good amount of money I know I can’t earn at the Philippines.

Yeah. Money and Emotional security that is what this decision stuff is all about. I would have a good job and good income if ever I choose to continue studying here but then I don’t know if my son would grow up having his dad with him. If ever I took FUj (my son’s dad) here with us after graduation I dont know if he would be able to work, thus depriving him of his career opportunity, add the possibility that I will be a bread winner.

I don’t want to repeat the hisotory of my mom and dad. My mom works abroad and my dad is unemployed. They sacrificed being with us (their children) as we grew up.

I want my son to have a whole and happy family up untill the time that he decides to leave us. I want to be a successful career woman but then it does not mean that I have to be the bread winner of the family. I’m not saying that I will not help my husband with the financial burden, of course I will, but then we should be together in providing the needs of the family.

Life is a lot harder in the Philippines. I know that. I knew people who graduated but are unemployed. People who are employed but are earning a small amount, scarce, I could say because it is not enough to provide the needs of the family. However, going back home will mean I could continue the course I already have started. I could graduate in the same amount of time and me, Fuj and my baby could be together.

On the other hand, it will be alot of sacrifice in my part because I will stay under the roof of my in’laws house. Hehe. Yeah. In-laws. And it is usually hard to be in that kind of situation not unless you have great patience and both parties are comfortable with each other.

Going home means getting married. I have trust issues with Fuji right now. I don’t know how this relationship will go on if I won’t be able to resolve this trust issues I have and fully trust him. I am also thinking that we are both too young to marry. The responsibility of having a family is a big burden for young people like us. I’m thinking that maybe we should give ourselves time to grow for awhile before deciding about getting married. Married life is different from the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, we all know that. Having a family could be another challenge we have to face… another adjustment. But then, mom wont make me go home if Fuj won’t marry me. I wanna be with Fuj.. and yes, if there is one guy I wanted to share a life time with, it is Fuj. But then, I want to grow emotionally first before talking about wedding bells.

Jeez… maybe sometimes it is not just about the matters of the heart that we should think about. We may be head over heels inlove with each other but then the fact still remains that there are marriages that fail. I talked to him about it and he has a strong faith in our relationship. He told me that we could make the marriage work because we should not be like the people whose marriages end up in annulment or divorce.

Right now, my decision is to go home. Get married. Continue my studies. Graduate and finally have a job. Five years from now, I want to see myself already employed in a reputable university working as a professor while studying law or masters degree in communication. If not that, I want to work in an airlines or a network. Call me idealist but that is what I want to be five years from now. That is my goal.

I dont want to be a nurse and work in the hospital forever because 13 years from now my goal is to start my own business so I will be the boss of my own company and I could take care of my son, which by that time will be in his youth. Maybe I am a dreamer but then that is what I want my life to be. I want to see my son get excited in his first date. I want to see his reaction in his first kiss. I want to see and guide him in his teenage days- the days I have not spend with my parents because they need to work afar just to provide our needs.

If life will be financially difficult for my family, I still want us to be whole. One. One in solving the financial problem- like the Fuj’s family. If ever Fuj or me decided to work abroad, I want the whole family to be in that place as well. That is the same of what Fuj wants to happen.

Life is never easy. Because if it is, we will never learn and enjoy it. It is only how we deal with the situation that matters. If there is one sacrifice I have to make, I want to make it now so that someday if something goes wrong, I can still make a change because I am still young. I will go home. Take the chances and pay the consequences of being a young mom and wifey. I believe that getting married and having a baby at a young age is not a reason for me to stop exploring life and taking opportunities. Its not that I should be locked up in the shell of marriage and being a mom, it is just including my husband and kiddo in my plans and being with them as I enjoy the sweetness and bitterness of life.

A Night of Love

chellypoof — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:31:15 +0000

A Night of Love

In his words lies temptation

A sweet taste of heaven

In his arms is your resurrection

But the gaiety cackle of death

In his bed, the fulfilment of hunger

A night of warmth they say

When with him sanity deserts you

While you give he took with greed

In the morning you feel the cold

The knight, where is he?

His scent is what he left you

But a stranger still he is

Anything Goes

chellypoof — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:30:44 +0000

I just made this wordpress account hoping that I will be able to update it as frequently as I can. It’s not that I don’t have a blog, because actually I have one in our friendster account (whoops! it’s not “I” cause the account is my family’s joint account), it’s just that I want a new one- fresh and my own.

I copied and pasted here the previous posts I have in friendster just so this blog won’t be as empty as new. Right now, I’m trying to write anything that goes inside my head so I can post something new.

Hmmm… so what more can I say?

Let me start with telling you about yesterday. My son’s 6th week was yesterday. It was not a happy day and neither a worth celebrating one. Why? Well, first, his dadda was not around so happiness is not complete when the family is not. Second, friends are not around to celebrate the occassion with.

So to celebrate the day without actually celebrating it (well, I hope you get what I mean with this crappy phrase), we went to the hospital to have my baby’s first 4 immunizations. When I said immunizations I mean 3 injections and 1 taken orally. Yeah, you read it right. It’s 3, as in T-H-R-E-E. Now maybe youre thinking “why would one celebrate in a painful manner?”.

Actually it’s not that we wanted to have it that way, but then, we are obliged to do so. Baby should be brought to the hospital for his immunization whether we like it or not.

During the immunization process I felt like there were butterflies in my stomach. Just looking at a needle as it pricked my son’s flesh made me wish I could take the immunization for him. I wonder if my parents felt the same way when I was a baby. I can’t bare to look at my son’s face which turned tomato red because of crying.

I also had my 6th week check up yesterday and was frustrated that I only lost 6lbs after 3 weeks of strict diet. From 157lbs last August 20, I now weigh 151lbs. I still have a long way to go before achieving my goal to weigh 112lbs.

After the check up we went home and it took me 3 hours before getting my son to sleep. He may be feeling lethargic because of the pain caused by the injections, but he was not lethargic enough not to cry his heart out loud.

I also havent had much sleep because I have to wake up everytime he cried of pain and hunger which I estimated was every one and a half hour.

Because of lack of sleep, we slept the whole afternoon today but I still feel tired since he kept on whining. Whoah! Maybe this is really a mother’s fate- to get tired and exhausted with taking care of her child. But then I feel happy, relieved and fulfilled just by seeing myself do this job with patience and love.

Intrepid

chellypoof — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:15:00 +0000

I look at the little person beside me and I can’t believe that he’s mine. He is a fruit of a “sinful act” as what Christians will say, a result of irresponsibility as what parents and adults will take into notion. I wouldn’t want to hear more of how people would call it because as I glance at the small bundle of joy I can only see one thing out of him- our angel, the one who changed my life forever.

I do not regret that I had him as early in my 19th year of breathing in this difficult world. He came in an unexpected time, a time when I have my future plans laid out in front of me. A time when I am still enjoying the sweet taste of youth and the excitement of young love. But then, I embraced the first signs of his presence inside me and faced the fact that from then on, my plans in life will change forever, not for the worst but for the better.

I fear, of course, how I will raise him up with me not yet ready to stand in my two feet. However, I am a small creature who looks up into a bigger force I know will not forsake me. I gathered all the courage I have and told myself that despite the reality that the news of the arrival of this angel will hurt the people who brought me into this world, he will soon be called a “blessing” that will give everyone a smile.

Perhaps I made a mistake but there is nothing I can do to undo it. The only thing I can do is help myself go on and reconstruct my plans in life- include him in every scene I foresee in my future. I never considered not giving this little person a chance to witness the beauty of life and taste a little of its sourness.

In his arrival, I suffered the consequence of the “sinful” act I made. I had one foot in the bosom of death and had my body embraced by the chill of pain. After 5 hours of what I thought was endless struggle, our angel breathed his first taste of life and I experienced the most wonderful kind of joy I never have felt ever before.

I admit that fear still haunts me and that I still dread that I will someday fail my son. However, just looking at his innocent face gives me strength and courage that life will be easy as long as I have my courage and perseverance with me.

Life has a lot more of hardships to offer and I can do nothing but to accept it and learn from it. Right now I accepted the hard but wonderful challenge life threw on me and I have a lifetime to work on it.

Linger

chellypoof — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:11:38 +0000

I’m staring at the blank sheet in my Microsoft word. I really don’t know what to write. Or maybe I have long forgotten how to do so. I keep studying myself for the past few months since the big challenge of my life begun. I found out that it became difficult for me to say even a three-line-self- composed poem. I have thoughts running in my head and it seems to be like flowing water in my hands- a free flowing idea my mind can no longer grip and put into words.

I wonder if I could still write a good composition. Perhaps something about life. Yes, the life I have now- the play I am currently into and the role which I thought I will never be given to me and here I am portraying.

I do not know if my mind is deteriorating because of the lack of its usage. But then, maybe it is just in its idle condition, you know, a time when the brain becomes stagnant because of too many emotional dilemmas or perhaps because it just does not want to work for awhile.

However, maybe I am not really trying to think at all. I believe that writing is a skill you should continuously use in order to improve. Its advancement depends on how frequent you practice it. You fuel it by enriching you vocabulary, and this you do by continues reading- broadening your comprehension and stimulating your imagination to work.

Damn, I say. I have read only 3 books this year. Though I did a little bit of scanning with a few magazines, I can still say I haven’t done a good job in working to improve my skills. Maybe I have become a worthless kind of homo sapiens who was affected too much of the changes in my life that I put off my once self as a writer- one who could put meaningless thoughts into a good composition and even turn my own emotional turmoil into something that, although not that furnished as other writings are, is not a piece of crap.

If I continue being like this for the rest of my life my mind would go back to what it was 19 years ago- a tabularasa. So, here I am trying to jot down anything that fills the pages in my head. It sounds crazy (it is indeed crazy!) but writing without even thinking of what to write makes me feel like I am slowly gaining back my skill. After all, there’s no harm in giving in to your thoughts and letting it lead you into making something productive out of your boring time.

Well, at least now I know that writing did not totally desert me.